Another Brilliant Strategy!
Brigandine parody, by Wally
Mary Sue attacks! And... no one really cares! (Poor Langueborg, he's so easy to mock.)
I'm probably going to do more parodies like this for this game; I've wanted to do a series of fics about horrible self-inserts chasing after characters that you'd never expect self-inserts to chase after. And this game has so many characters... it's perfect.
(Yes, the mispellings and such are deliberate. As I said before, it's a parody. Don't take it too seriously.)
Laungeborg was doubtlessly the most brilliant man in Leonia - no, all of Forsina, he corrected himself as he swaggered down the cold and fairly narrow halls of Castle [gotta look up the name, lol!], a castle on the border of Leonia and Norgard, a country that was even colder than Leonia and didn't really like them very much. Why else would he be there if they didn't trust him to guard their border with his life? The Queen was far away, fighting the war against Iscalio and that "crazy king" guy - it was a pity, in a way, since he didn't have an easy way to share his brilliant tactical knowledge with her anymore. It was so much nicer when he could just go to her room anytime he wanted to, as long as he could sneak past her other generals and corner her in one of the towers or something.
Well, at least there were always pigeons, although he thought it was kind of strange that none of them ever came back. I mean, why wouldn't she at least send some kind of a thank-you note, was what he wanted to know? Surely she was grateful for his winning strageties, without which they'd surely lose, but with which they'd beat the nutty ruler for sure! Besides, he was shortly going to be out of pigeons, and then where would they be?
But he was all alone in the stone corridors, which he usually didn't mind because it gave him time to think of new stragedys, like the Strategy of Thunder and the Stragety of Pointy Things and the Strategy of Running Up To The Enemy and Hitting Them A Lot - he liked that last one the most, it was really the best thing he'd ever done - and daydream about one day being given his due recognition as the smartest guy on the continent of Forsina; for some reason, though, eh didn't feel like being alone, maybe because he was walking along the hall in full armor for some weird reason and it was getting pretty cold in there, y'know, because it was snowing outside and stuff.
Boy, he thought to himself, I sure could use some company.
And then... he saw HER.
She was gorgeous - long dark-green hair to her waist, a pretty neat black dress that showed off some really nice legs, and golden eyes. Without stopping to think he walked up to her. "Hi!" he said, wittily.
"Hello," she simpered back. "Are you Sir Langueborg? I'm so glad to finally meet you, my name is-"
"No, beautiful woman, don't say it," he countered. "Because from now on, it no longer matters what your name was before this day. From now on, you are - the fairest, most lovely Lady Laungeborg!"
The beautiful woman - whose name was now Lady Laungueborg! - squealed with glee, because this was what she'd always wanted - to be at the side of the most brilliant man in the continent! She'd grown up with a harsh father who'd never let her eat cream eclairs when she'd wanted to, and didn't let her have a pony or a computer, so she'd run away from home with only that one thought in mind. Surely she'd find him, and he'd fall desperately in love with her and his love would lead him to find a way to make her father buy her a pony! So she hugged him, and somehow it was hot and sexy even with that cold armor on. And eventually he took it off, and she took off her dress and they started making love. The floor was freezing cold, as usual, but the sex was so hot and steamy that they didn't even notice!
And then, just after they were finished consummating their new-found and eternal devotion to each other, people attacked from Norgard and killed everyone, including the two new lovers, who died in each other's arms, looking into each other's eyes and whispering beautiful lovely things to each other like, "Help! I can't find my liver!"
The Queen and her friends, who'd never really liked the guy and thought that his strategies were horrible anyways (and they were right!), all cheered when they learned the news, sent an army up to recapture the castle - and they did! - and went right back to beating up on that insane guy with the really silly hat.
(No, I mean it. It's a really silly hat.)